My burnout happened in 2021, but the backstory started years prior.

In 2015, my mom died of cancer. I loved her so, so much and still do so deeply, and losing her punched a hole in my heart that hasn’t been filled since. I had started an ad agency in the same month she passed away and after taking just 2 days off, I went right back to work. But I was far from okay. I began feeling that the harder I worked, the prouder she would have been, and the further away from my inner sadness I could get. Over time, the hard work paid off and my agency became a success, but at the same time I started burning out.

Growing up, didn’t feel like I fit the traditional mold. So I worked hard because I thought I finally found a way to prove I belonged, in business. I worked harder because I thought success was the key to conditional worthiness for myself and my mom’s memory. I worked even harder to try to distance my pain and the parts of myself I rejected. Eventually, I became an overachiever seeking to feel worthy enough in the eyes of the world, because I didn’t know how to be enough in my own eyes.

Here is a brief look at how my own burnout progressed through the stages:

1. In 2018, my agency hit its first $100k revenue month and acquired Walmart as a client. After celebrating, I started working harder and sleeping less to keep up the growth.
2. In 2019, I denied the emerging problems in my body and life. Work encroached on weekends, weekends and holidays, and I found myself eating with one hand and typing with the other
3. In 2020, I entered inner emptiness. Before talking with my co-founder about shutting down our company, I remember thinking that if all of our clients fired us and our team all quit, I would actually be relieved. I began to fantasize about never opening Slack again and just disappearing
   

In the end, I worked myself into a paradox: my mom would have never wanted to see my descent into workaholism in her memory.

What I learned is that a burnout is more like a wakeup call from our inner selves to finally slow down and listen. We can choose to ignore it, or we can choose to pick up the phone, and make courageous changes needed.

For example, after I finally listened, I began an amazing new chapter with my wonderful, now girlfriend, Dani in Europe. I also picked up new creative pursuits, and pivoted my career from marketing and sales into career and burnout coaching, and even ultimately returned to the startup scene.

The truth is, that without picking up the phone and making changes years ago, I might still be trapped in a cycle of burnout today.

-Gabriel Kwakyi